JOE SWAMP

"Come out of your swamps, swamp diggers!"

Joe Swamp gave this amazing interview to our correspondent Dave Digdeeper who managed to track him down in a hidden wetland in the Swiss prealps, where Joe says he often spends the winter and early spring.

Debate about this article

Dave Digdeeper:

Joe, our readers have been wondering for years, who you really are. You look a bit like a cross between the monster of Loch Ness and a European intellectual...

Joe Swamp:

Ha, ha, a European intellectual, goodness, ha... I should eat you for that one...

DD:

Could you, in other words, clarify who you are and how you got here?

Joe Swamp:

Well, it all began some 30-40 years ago. We didn't live in wetlands before that. My grandfather actually started to build his first homestead wetland in ... 1950 or so, I think.

DD:

He built the swamp himself?

Joe Swamp:

Yep, why not? He was one of those who then thought that it was enough with all that swamp destruction going on, and to make a mark, he decided that we should live in one.

DD:

Where did you guys live before that?

Joe Swamp:

Oh, here and there. Some lived in the woods, some in lakes, some in ordinary buildings.

DD:

How does your species manage to live in a building with a posture and a tail like that?

Joe Swamp:

We don't look all alike...

DD:

Are you a real species, I mean, has a Latin name ever been assigned to you?

Joe Swamp:

Monsters usually don't speak Latin, dear. Think of King Kong and Godzilla!

DD:

Speaking of speaking, why can you speak at all?

Joe Swamp:

Any species has a language. You dry folks just don't usually speak it.

DD:

How big is your family?

Joe Swamp:

This is a good question. We've been very fertile, particularly in the last 20 years. I can say  that with considerable pride: We have built hundreds, yes even thousands of homestead wetlands all over the planet. Our family has become really big, too big already to continue the clandestine life we used to live until now. More and more we get in touch with you dry folks, and of course, the encounters are not always friendly.

DD:

In the first report, our newsletter published, you were said to have almost used a harmless water biologist for a "limnoloq-au-vin"...

Joe Swamp:

Ha ha, guess I scared the fellow a bit, but this is not the type of encounter I mean. Look, although we are still few and you'd hardly notice us if you looked down at planet Earth from orbit, we need space! Building wetlands is a space-consuming activity! You dry folks often claim the same spot for some of your disgusting activities - gosh, my media counseller will scold me for that expression - airports for example.

They have given us a lot of trouble, and not only because of the de-icing substances that make our skin peel off, but for the mere space. I mean, we could easily build another wetland to solve the de-icer problem, but for one thing, we hate end-of-pipe solutions, particularly when we live in it, and then also, it would be too obvious, if you know what I mean.

DD:

Any other area where your activities overlap with those of humans?

Joe Swamp:

Sure, take any bigger road project, take shrimp farming that interferes with my relative's activities in the tropics, or agriculture, or building of houses. I'd say, we are becoming a danger to some established activities of yours.

DD:

So you feel some pressure on the community of swamp things to step into the open and take up the fight.

Joe Swamp:

Yes, the growing pressure is a problem. Some even call it a "Public relation assault" on our family. Also - I must state that unfortunately - we are not always growling with one voice anymore. We are so numerous now, that we start losing track of each other.

Our family had been quite homogeneous in the past, when we were only a few. Everybody knew how to build and inhabit swamps. The individual swamp communities did not really bother each other but more or less pursued the same goals. Now we may have a new situation.

DD:

So what are your plans to deal with this?

Joe Swamp:

I personally think that the time of isolation is over. We must get known much better among the rest of the intelligent inhabitants of this planet. In spite of our gruesome looks, we are not really fierce creatures who like to fight. We must start a dialogue with you drylanders...

DD:

It seems like the "participatory approach" has its flaws concerning the swamp beasts. I am talking about the tape transcript we published in the last newsletter...

Joe Swamp:

That guy was extremely uncautious and maybe even drugged. I mean, turning ones back to a Tyranno before lunch is like setting foot on a German Autobahn... But I don't want to ponder on that. I think the solution for our current problem is a matter of convincing, of educating the dry folks, and then of uniting our own folks again. Come out of your swamps, swamp diggers, I want to call. Realize that we need to stand united to face the challenges of the future.

DD:

Don't you risk to be labelled as an "axis of evil" and a threat to the development of the economy if you really step out and become visible?

Joe Swamp:

Yes, in fact we do! I mean, I have studied your society very intensively. Looks are so important for you, and just look at me! Would anybody buy an argument from my lips? I could brush my fangs all day long and still you'd prefer the slick young business associate of your own kind. We even risk to be pursued by your so-called lawyers.

DD:

Joe, thank you very much for this interview. I've enjoyed getting to know you better.

Joe Swamp:

Thank you, Dave. Don't get too dry on your way home!

This column is 100% pure satire and NOT an official statement of IEES. It is written by varying authors who have all the liberty to pick up a topic and take a viewpoint of their choice.